How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to scratch.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

-- Author Unknown  

You know you're a dog person when... 

* You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and dog cages than you have dogs. 
* You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times. 
* You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your dog. 
* Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your dogs as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.") 
* 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and FAQs, etc.)
* You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself. 
* No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on their clothes. 
* You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.) 
* You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime. 
* Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect. 
* The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog. 
* You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene. 
* All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the Laundromat or dry cleaners. 
* The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?" 
* Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans optional).
* You ask your vet if you can ride in her sports car sometime.
* Your house isn't carpeted - the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough.
* Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, "Is this people food or dog food?"
* Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
* Your mother-in-law keeps asking when you are going to have children.
* You don't give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through your own hair.
* At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.
* You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine. You know you will find them there.
* You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.
* You have dog toy/treats in your briefcase.
* You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your dogs, but you can't locate any pictures of your kids to send to grandma.
* You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog cage will fit. Before the actual purchase, you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both cages and dog into the shiny, new vehicle to make sure it works!
* You can't get the groceries in the car because its: a) already full of dog food or b) you have that big old cage in there.
* You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.
* You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for cages
* The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.
* You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store, but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.
* You have six squeaky hedgehogs...but only one with a squeaky that works.
* Your mother knows the implication of a "major breaking".
* You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for a movie treat.
* You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck to it.
* When you get your latest roll of film and there isn't a single picture of a two-legged person in it.
* People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes. They realize it is a hopeless case.
* Friends no longer ask, "how was your weekend"; they ask "how did the dogs do?"

-- Author Unknown

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue. - Anonymous
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went. - Will Rogers
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful. - Ann Landers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben
Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love
themselves. - Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
- Rita Rudner
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog. -
Franklin P. Jones

My dog is worried about the economy because Chappie is up to 50 pence a can.
That's almost £3.50 in dog money!

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery
store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave
Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
- Unknown

The families dog was bought for a guard,
Chained to a post in a chilly backyard,
Housed in a shed that was airless and dark,
And every few weeks had a run in the park.
When boredom set in with no fun and no work,
One day it broke loose and went quietly berserk.
Pa couldn't fathom just why it went wild,
As it flattened his wife and then bit his child.
The police were called in to sort out the mess,
And the whole sorry tale was revealed by the press,
The Rescue Society was really annoyed,
So, the dog was rehomed; and the owners destroyed.

Two men are walking their dogs, a poodle and a German shepherd. They decide they'd like to go into a bar for a drink. "But we can't bring out dogs into that bar," says the poodle's human. "Hey, no problem," says the German shepherd's owner. "Just watch this." He pulls out a pair of sunglasses and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the German shepherd's human. The bartender apologizes and shows them to a chair. So, the poodle owner decides to follow suit, whips out his sunglasses, and walks into the bar. "Hey, no dogs!" yells the bartender. "But this is a seeing eye dog," says the poodle's human. The bartender objects, "Hey, poodles can't be seeing eye dogs!" The poodle owner gasps, "Poodle? They told me they were giving me a German shepherd!"

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

How dogs and men are the same

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?", he asks.
"Yep", the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.  So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.  The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing.  Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar.

Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Dogs in Heat

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'  Mum says, 'No, because the dog is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asks the child.  'Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage'.

The little girl goes to the garage and says. 'Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.'

Dad says, 'Bring Susie over here.' He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog's rear with it and says, 'OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad says, 'Where's Susie"'  The little girl says, 'Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home.

Dogs Letters to God

Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

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